Hi Everybuddy, Dear Star here, and I am having a cup of tea reading all of your burning questions and I think I answer all your problems! So here goes!
SADERMAXX WRITES: Dear Star, Where can I buy a kitty Saddle?
Dear Saddermaxx, Darling, being as I'm an up and coming Fashion Designer, this one is easy! Just get you a size "C" bra. Cover your kitty's head with one cup so she can't see and then put her butt in the other cup. Make sure it's well padded. Then strap it to you waist and snap! Then take off like h---! That should cure her of riding on your back forever!
ANONYMOUS WRITES: Dear Star, I have a real problem, it's my little sister. She follows me around everywhere I go and she thinks she has to be right next to me all the time! It's as if we are joined at the hip! I can't even take a nappy without her laying her head on my chest! And when I try to play alone with my toys, she wants to play too! I'm a Macho Dude and I have a life and she is starting to suffocate me! Please Help!
Dear Anonymous: Don't you just hate when that happens? I have the same problem with my brother! I'm afraid that you are just going to have to live with it!
MONA FROM: MONA AND MOMMY TOO! SAYS: Dear Star, Why can't I find a fella who wants to be my fella?
Dear Mona, You just need a little lesson on Finding A Fella 101. First, get ya a hot little number and then go to a Doggy Park. As soon as you get there, act like you don't know your mommy! If you don't, she will be the Kiss Of Death! She'll say things like... now, he looks like a nice young man, I can tell by his haircut and I bet he's from money! Or... oh, that one's not for you dear, he has a tattoo! Or... I don't like his mother, she's too pushy!
So after you ditch her, check out the merchandise and when you see a real Hottie, wiggle your little butt over to him but whatever you do, don't drool! Then say... Hi Big Boy, my name is Mona. That's all there is to it! I know, cause that's how my mommy met my daddy!
LIFE WITH DOGS WANTS TO KNOW: Dear Star, Does this coat make my butt look big?
Well Honey, turn around and let me have better look. Nope! It looks really FINE to me!
MADI'S MOM ASKS: Dear Star, Madi does not like the colorful cat tunnel we gave her for her birthday. How do you make a Diva Island Princess Cat do what you want her to do?
Dear Madi's Mom, First of all, you have it backwards. You don't tell a cat what to do, she tells you what to do! Got it? And what is wrong with you woman? Why didn't you take her to the Pet Store with you and let her try out all the toys till she found one she liked? I'm sure that she would much rather preferred a motorized helicopter so she could fly around the house! Or a speed boat that she could ride in the bathtub! Take that silly thing back and buy her a trampoline!
GEORGIA FROM ATLANTA WRITES: Dear Star, I broke up with my boyfriend last night so now I'm looking for a new one. I've seen this really cute Hunk named Remington and I am just dying to meet him!
I hear you know him and I was wondering if you could fix us up?
Dear Georgia, It just so happens, that he is kind of going out with a very close friend of mine, and she said, if you so much as look at him, she will write your phone number on every SEVEN ELEVEN bathroom wall in America! I don't think I would test her if was you!
MALCOM P. FITZ, P.H.D. WRITES: Dear Star, I have had the distinct pleasure of reading your column and I have become strangely attracted to you. You are a highly intelligent woman who I would be honored to have as my wife. I am a Professor at Harvard and I might add, a very good catch. I am fifty years old, never been married and I still live with my mother. I have never had a date because women seem to think I'm boring and my mother agrees! However, my desire is that you will bring out the animal in me and accept my proposal. My hobbies are reading.
Dear Malcom, I am deeply flattered but unfortunately, I am already taken. BUTT FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL GEORGIA! 290-578-3333.
FRANKIE FURTER FROM: FRANKLY SPEAKING SAYS: Dear Star, My mommy brushes my teeth 87 times a week and then I have to have them bushed again at the Vet's! How do I make all this brushing stop?
Dear Frankie, From what you're saying, your mommy is hopeless! Next time just tell the Vet to pull all your toothies out! Problem solved! Now you may have to switch to baby food but it's really quite good! Have you ever tried Mango Banana Meatballs?
Well Everybuddy, That's it for this week's addition of DEAR STAR, See you next week and I hope to hear from you with your questions. Remember Love, Romance and Fashion are ny Passion!
Labels: DEAR STAR